I know these feelings, I’ve studied them for years. I am hugging my amygdala tighter and comforting it yet I feel like I’m still falling into that abyss again and helpless to stop it. I feel like being pulled by the giant arms of a gradually rising pit of shit and there’s no comforting angle to turn to except for a complete 180 degrees of numbness.
I have wanted you for so long and made so many plans with you even before I had you in my hand. I wanted to make so many things from you. I couldn’t contain my excitement when I finally got you. Many nights when everyone was asleep, we would make noise and a lot of mess but something beautiful always came out from it. I chose you over black & Decker, Proxxon and even a new phone because I believed in you but barely 6 months, you broke. You broke not only your motor but my trust in your brand and my heart.
I woke up in the dark. It’s 3:30 am. I turned on the lights. No Power. Found a flashlight and went running to the bathroom. No water. The wind is howling outside. I remember there was a storm today. I also remembered I was alone in the house. I got the candles and lighted them. I feel a bit paralysed without electricity and water. The last time I was awake during a storm was when I was around 15. For some reason I was home alone and there was no electricity and the rain poured loudly outside. I remember feeling scared and thankful of the roof over my head and the warm sheets I hugged myself in yet I still cried myself to sleep. This time though I have two cats with me and comforting them comforted me.
I have never envisioned an awesome future without you in it. Everything I wanted to happen in the near future involved you. Everything. You, taken out from that picture hurts more than I could ever articulate. What I will carry with me now are regrets that I didn’t show you enough love, that I didn’t give you everything you deserved. You gave us everything of your selflessness and we took it for granted. I’m soo sorry. Your sudden passing is the greatest and most painful impact in my life. I don’t know what will happen next but just this once, in my heart, I will believe in heaven for you. I will believe that you are looking down on us because I am going to make you proud, I will.